To equip ourselves from a wounding enviornment we numb out our feelings. As human beings we are all equipped to defend against our own vulnerability in different settings. This might look like tuning out from what distresses us, denying rejection, shutting out what hurts us, denying any shortcomings and much more.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a brain that automatically reacts to protect us like this, we simply cannot operate in wounding environments without these types of mechanisms.
It is often our first line of defence in fact. To block out these feelings as it is in these emotions that we can get hurt and we can pick up messages from the world which aren’t going to serve us in the long term. Gordan Neufeld would call this ‘the vulnerability factor’ and it goes back a long way. Indeed Freud’s original theory was one around a theory of ‘defence’.
The whole purpose of this defence system could be to enable us to be able to go out and function in wounding environments. To be able to survive. Historically that might look like numbing out pain whilst on the battle field and for our children these days it might be suppressing feelings of alarm to go off to school and saying goodbye to caregivers. We have evolved in very harsh environments where danger has been a very clear presence in our lives so some form of self-protection has been absolutely necessary.
But what happens when at the end of the day these feelings don’t come back to us and we dissconnect from our feelings of alarm completely. These defences work best when they are situational and only last as long as you’re in the wounding environment. If we lose them completely there can be problems, for example studies have shown that children who don’t feel embarrassment also lack empathy.
There are some children likely to become more defended than others. Sensitivity - The more sensitive a child is the more easily they are likely to get hurt. Maybe anger, sadness or frustration are feelings that you’re not allowed to have space for in the context of a relationship.
In order for this to happen children have to have deep relationships with caregivers, family, teachers, mentors, communities where these feelings have an invitation to be there. They are welcomed, treasured and given space. Without this space our nervous systems will take over and defend us and we will lose connection to these feelings. We might get labelled as having a disorder or something is wrong with us, but could it be that we are in a constant state of defendedness. Notice with some of the ‘disorders’ like ADHD, tuning out is one of the main characteristics., but that is also a defence mechanism.
So, look out for any signs of lost feelings. It’s hard to find things that aren’t there and much easier to see things that are.
- Maybe your child doesn’t experience sadness when she is up against something that she can’t change. She doesn’t move from mad to sad, she just experiences the frustration.
- It could be that he has lost feelings of shyness and will go up and approach anyone without any caution or alarm.
- Maybe there are no feelings of responsibility to make things better when they don’t go well.
-You might see that they lose the feelings of caring and might say things like ‘I don’t care’ to something that you know is important to them.
If you can notice some of these missing feelings, then how can you give space to them, give them more of an invitation for children to feel them within the context of a safe relationship. Because if we can honour and protect our children’s feelings then they are going to have a solid base to be a part of the world that they grow up in. The feelings will still be there, they do exist, they are just lost. So the questions might be: "‘How can you help your child find these feelings again?”
Maybe after a long day of school they come back and you get a big hit of emotions and feelings, all come out and you ‘re not to sure why, because you haven’t done anything or seen anything. But maybe this is a sign that his/her feelings are starting to come back again now that they are back in a safe environment.
Feelings are treated as a nuisance variables very often in society. Something to avoid, get away from, overcome, not experience. In society and in schools it’s the learning and teaching that is considered that will help our children to grow up, not a connection to their own feelings and experiences.
AH ALMASS - “Vulnerability in the face of danger feels frightening, but in the absence of danger, vulnerability can simply mean feeling naturally, undefendedly yourself”
To find out more about my work with families and compassionate Inquiry please get in touch at mail@joeatkinson.co.uk or go to my website www.joeatkinson.co.uk