Do you notice that:
You get caught up in futile battles with behaviours or when asking your children to do something?
Do you keep trying the same thing over and over again and it just isn’t working
Your children ignore you when you ask them to do something
When these things happen it’s very easily to think that the problem is in our children. They are defiant, they are disobedient, they are lazy etc etc. But what if we looked at it another way. What if we as adults have lost our manners in our interactions with our children.
The collecting dance is an ancient dance of all cultures, connecting us with those we care about. We have always known it intuitively, never needing to be conscious of it – until now, that is - Dr Gordan Neufeld
Dr Gordan Neufeld uses the simple mantra ‘collect them before you direct them’ in order to bring our children into relationship with us so we can parent them. We have lost the art of collecting our children in many ways. In some instances we have just run out of time. How many of us wake up and we instantly have things to do, things to be getting on with? We need to get ready for school, get breakfast on, get ready for work, do the laundry etc and we are straight into directing our children.
And as soon as we ask our children to ‘hurry up’ what do we notice? They ‘slow down’ almost immediately. They do the opposite of what we say. In other words, we are telling them what to do outside the bond of attachment. And if we are doing this, then instinctually they are going push back against us because nature never intended for them to take orders from people with whom they were not in an attuned and present connection with (counterwill). Nature didn’t plan for our children to just be pushed around, if they are going to be pushed around by anyone it’s going to be someone they have an in-the-moment deep attachment and connection with.
If this is the case then you may have lost the context in which you can parent. And by that I mean there isn’t a problem with your child. The issue here is in the relationship. When I think about my day with my own children I notice this all the time. We can get very caught up working the problems, the behaviours or the symptoms but I’m going to invite you to take all that energy and put it on working the relationship.
How to Collect your Child
So if you recognise these types of mornings in your relationship with your children then I’ll invite you to try something different. The art of collecting your children in three simple steps:
Collect the eyes - first of all come into your childs space with warmth and playfulness. Establish eye contact and with that an invitation for them to be in your presence.
Collect a smile - After eye contact is made see if you get a smile, you might need to make a joke or notice something that they are doing and connect here and see if you get a smile.
Collect a nod - see if you have some agreement about something. Your both agree that the weather is terrible or that daddy is silly or that chocolate is delicious. Collect an agreeing nod.
Once you have done these three simple things, then see what happens when you ask them to do something, ask them to tidy up or ask them to get their clothes on to go out and notice the difference. I’d love to hear how you get on.
If you want to find out more about my work with parents or as a Compassionate Inquiry practitioner and therapist then please contact me on mail@joeatkinson.co.uk