Nowadays, seeing children through a developmental lens is becoming increasingly unusual, but something that we all seem to have a natural intuition for. Throughout society the lens we usually see children through is a behavioural one and if all is not well there, then we might switch to a medicalised one. A simple example of this would be in schools. If the behaviour is not there to fit in with others or the way it is meant to be then we are very quick to look for a diagnosis and look for disorders.
Developmental Approach
The developmental approach is very different. With this approach we are more concerned with how any presenting problems or issues might have developed. The crux of it is that it is only with this understanding that you can really offer any support. The value is in the understanding and not in changing the behaviour. It’s a lens where the ‘what to do’s’ come very naturally, because it’s obvious when you can see clearly. It’s an approach where if there is any anxiety, tension about something then the focus is put on the ‘seeing’ because that must be where things are unclear. I’ve used the picture of a garden for this blog post and the best analogy for this approach as a parent/teacher would be a gardener. A gardener would not push the plant to flower, it would hardly touch the plants. But she would pay attention to the environment and put their energy into the conditions that the plant needs to grow, with full faith that if the conditions are there, then you are going to get flowers.
Behavioural & Medical Approach
In the behavioural and medical approaches you tend to work backwards from behaviours or symptoms. E.g. if a child diagnosed with ADHD is having problems focusing and tunes out a lot of the time then we are looking for ways for them to help the focus or concentrate. Maybe reinforcing moments of focus with praise or developing strategies that might help them. This can be useful, but it’s not going to take you to the heart of the issue. And these methods normally come at the cost of our relationship with our children e.g. if you’re trying to just get the child to show the behaviour that you want to see, then their only option is to start hiding bits of them from you. Through the developmental lens, we are going to be curious about why he started tuning out in the first place. What was the function of tuning out for this child.
Parenting
In much of the parenting advice there is the assumption that behaviour is a function of its consequence. It’s assumed that it is instrumental. `And if this is true then it would make sense that if you change the consequence then you would get the desired behaviours and if the desired behaviours are there then everything must be ok. But what if this just isn’t true. What if my daughter doesn’t hit my son because she wants to get a toy that he is playing with. What if she hits him, because she is experiencing frustration and expressing frustration and at the age of 3 it’s going to come out of her in immature ways. What if instead of sculpting this behaviour out of her and potentially running the risk of giving her the message that her frustration is not accepted in this house but we give the frustration space to exist, come along side her and help her get it out in safer ways that don’t hurt her brother. Because later on she might be frustrated at school or in a relationship when she is older and if that frustration has an invitation then it’s far more likely that she’ll be able to process, talk about and express it as she grows up.
Compassionate Inquiry is very similar in it’s approach. We are looking through a developmental lens. All the behaviours, patterns, things that might be causing you pain ; we are curious about the role they may have played in your life up until now. How did they serve you, how did they develop? Did you suppress your invitation in order to make an attachment relationship more smooth. Great choice, the attachment will ensure your survival, but maybe you don’t need to do it anymore. It’s only with this understanding can you best support yourself.
To find out more about Compassionate Inquiry and my work with families then check out my website and/or email me on mail@joeatkinson.co.uk