As a play therapist in the earlier part of my career, this is a topic that is close to my heart. In the previous posts we have looked at the different dynamics shared with us by the wonderful Dr Gordan Neufeld: Attachment, feelings and rest. We noted that the way we look after these dynamics within our child is by taking care of our child’s attachment to us. When we assume this responsibility, our children's feelings have a safe space to be felt, be shared in the context of a relationship and are free to move within us. If we can do this then feelings don’t get stuck and our children are brought to a place of rest. In the context of a relationship with a parent our feelings give us the ability to interpret our own inner space and not identify with it. In the context of a relationship with a parent our rest gives us the space for change and restoration.
So what about play:
Play is defined in the dictionary as ‘ to engage in activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose’
Some of the functions of play are:
Play is a safe space for emotions to be expressed and felt.
Play is a safe place for highly charged instincts.
Play is like ‘a greenhouse’ for growth.
In play our children can practice different roles and skills - you can practice life in a space free of consequences.
It gives our attachment drives a boost.
Play can help preserve psychological health and well-being.
Play can help children find their creativeness and responsibility.
This is just some of the function. It is also important to consider that there are certain characteristics of true play. For instance you might go and ‘play a football game’ or ‘play a chess match’ but this is not true play.
The characteristics of Play:
It is not work - The focus is on the activity and not the results, it should not produce anything and there are no goals. My daughter will use pens and paper to explore, she’s not creating anything particularly and when she is finished she’s off onto something else without a care about what happens to it.
It is not for real - it is a free of consequences and limits. You can be a spaceman, walk on lava, talk to imaginery friends and fight dragons. There is no right or wrong, real or fake. If you watch children play you will n notice that as soon as one of them gets hurt or there is an accident the play immediately stops. Something real has happened and now they are all in a completely different space. It’s not play anymore.
It is expressive - It is here where children express themselves. Our children are almost always in the passenger seat of life, taken here and there but in play they are in the driving seat where they can express themselves through object, roles, puppets, dance, singing, moving etc.
If any of these things things are not present when we see our children playing then it is not true play. A football match has an aim, goals and is real. It’s not true play.
Children are not free to play and be playful unless they are feeling attached. It can be sacrificed easily for energy to be put in other places. In fact it is often the first thing we lose when we are not feeling well and one of the great indicators of health is playfullness. Maybe a child is at work to keep the attachments going in their life. It’s more and more common that we think that the earlier children are introduced and practice work like activities that we are setting them up to be in a work filled world as they become an adult. If there are feelings of alarm for a child that have not been processed, held and are stuck than the drive to play will be less. When our bodies need to be in rest mode then there will be no drive to play.
So as play is at the top of this pyramid it can sometimes be the easiest one to lose. So there are two questions that I think not is important to sit with when we think about play:
1.) How can I persevere space throughout the day for my child to experience true play with the conditions of the characteristics of play?
2.) How can I look after my child’s attachment to me so that they are free to play?
If you can do these two things in regard to play then nature is going to take care of your child’s development and you will see the fruits of play develop as they get older. Disclaimer - You do need more patience for this, but it’s worth it.
I am going to be running a trial parenting workshop lasting 6 weeks in which we explore the different dynamics in more detail as a group and look at strategies that help us to look after this attachment relationship based around the work of Dr Gordan Neufeld. If you are interested in hearing more about the group then email me mail@joeatkinson.co.uk and I’ll add you to the list.