In part 2 of this blog series we noted that our children’s preeminent need is for attachment and to be close to us because this is the surest and safest way to guarantee their survival and to be looked after. If this need, their greatest hunger, is met then it will bring them to a place of rest. It can be very easy to see rest as a nuisance; In the way of development and learning perhaps.

Our bodies need to be in rest mode for a number of reasons:

All true growth comes from a place of rest
It facilitates recovery / restoration
It allows the processing of experiences
It is where the encoding of memory happen
Allows for rest and renewal

Our bodies need to be in rest mode. In fact our autonomic nervous system is split up into two parts: The sympathetic and the parasympathetic. The sympathetic system is otherwise known as fight or flight and the parasympathetic as rest and digest. Too much time in the sympathetic system is not good for us.

We are literally wired for connection and obviously enough our attachments provide us with this connection.

The trouble is in todays society, we have lost time to be with our children and we taking them away from their closest attachments earlier and earlier. Whats more it’s common to use this need for attachment against them to push and pull at the behaviours and outcomes that we would like to see in them and consequences like time-out increase this separation at a time when arguably they need that connection the most.

There are other more subtle ways in which we give the message that our children need to work to keep our attachment. One example of this is giving a child praise for a behaviour that we value. If we say good boys are polite and bring them closer when we see politeness in their behaviour but withdraw when we don’t see it then then we are giving them the message that if their behaviour is not where we suspect it then they are going to experience separation from us. We are giving them ‘work’ to do to stay in relationship with us.

So - How do we bring our children to a place of rest? It is when they feel cared for and cared about. In other words when we are in a good working attachment relationship. And this has to be the bottom line. We come back to the attachment and that is where we become the answer when we take care of our child’s attachment to us and this attachment will take care of our child and bring him/her to a place of rest.

In order to come to a place of rest we need to feel safe and to know that we don’t have to do any work for our attachments:

The provision must be greater than the need - If they get more then what they are seeking e.g. if they say ‘I love you’ because they are looking for one back then you could say something like ‘I love you to the moon’. Always be ready to trump their needs so they know there is more than enough on offer for them.
They must feel safe. Dr Gabor Maté says that ‘Safety is not just the absence of threat but the presence of connection’. We must make space for these connections and if possible with multiple attachment figures e.g. aunt, uncle, nanny etc. If this is not possible and sometimes it just isn’t then it is our responsibility create time for as much as this connection as possible.
If there is ever a break in the attachment relationship then it is the adults responsibility to restore the relationship and not the child. Breakdowns will happen and that is ok, but the parents take responsibility to patch things up so the child does not have to do any of this work at restoring relationship.

I’m going to be running a trial parenting support group in which we will be exploring these dynamics on a more personal level. If you are interested in coming then please let me know and I’ll add you to the interested list.

To find out more about Compassioante Inquiry and my work with parents contact me on mail@joeatkinson.co.uk or visit my website www.joeatkinson.co.uk