Emotions are so often I our society seen more like a nuisance variable which we could maybe get round or avoid if possible to getting on with other stuff. Especially in children as these emotions can move and express themselves so easily they can really get in the way of our daily lives. A frustrated child can add an hour onto a shopping trip. A sad child can disrupt our day. A scared child might not be able to focus in class and learn anything. Calm down, cheer up, don’t worry we might say. Just come away from that emotion and lets get on with our day.
These are just some examples of the ways we thwart the expression of emotion in our children. But at what cost?
The work of emotion
Dr. Gordan Neufeld talks about the work of emotion. Emotion is how the brain moves the child. For instance, It moves us to caution when facing what alarms (fear), it moves us to stop when things are futile (sadness) and it moves us to care about those that we are attached to (love). In fact there is a clue in the word emotion: ‘E’ in latin ‘to’ MOTION’ move. They need to move. Without expression then emotion cannot complete it’s own work.
It’s very common for emotions to be split up into positive and negative. Bring grumpy, disappointed or upset might be seen as negative reactions to something whereas being calm, happy and excited about something is seen in a much more positive light. So some emotions have a greater invitation to move within us. How often do you hear someone saying: don’t get sad, don’t be angry, don’t be scared. These emotions don’t get the same invitations.
So what is the cost to the potential thwarted expression of emotions in our children?
Displacement: Well they have to move so maybe they get displaced it might move somewhere else. If your children are at school and you pick them up and they have a ton of emotional energy, tantrums etc but they have behaved like an angel all day in school. There is far less space for anger at school so it doesn’t get to move until the child is in a safe place for it to move.
Dysfnction: Emotion cannot do it’s work e.g. if our sadness cannot move us to stop then we might get stuck trying to change the things that we cannot change. There must be a way of being able to have that cookie before dinner so I’m going to try absolutely everything and I’m not going to stop.
Depression: No emotion on the surface can look like everything is rosy. They get on fine at school, nothing seems to affect them. But is this just a sign that emotion is not moving out of them anymore. Its like a flatlining affect and as you lose all the negative emotions you also lose all the positive ones too like excitement and happiness. The resistance of sadness to pursue happiness ends up with not being able to feel either.
Emotional Eruptions: Emotions will always seek to move so if they are thwarted they might build up and build up and build up and burst out of us. If it is displaced as well it might be even more confusing as to what is going on.
Play and Emotion
Emotions can get us into lots of trouble and they might not even be welcomed in many places even at home but nature does have an answer to help our little ones as they grow up experiencing all these emotions. PLAY!
For play provides children with a space for emotion to move without repercussion. Your anger can move freely towards a soft toy and it’s not hurting anyone. You can be disappointed with your students when you are playing teachers. The emotions can move! Unfortunately children are getting less and less time to play, but if we can make space for these emotions in play then we are helping them to develop. If we take 2 core emotions: fear/anger and notice how many children games are based around these emotions. For fear think about, playing with monsters, scary stories, hide and seek etc. For anger think about fighting games, verbal jousting, insult games, play fights.
And as children grow when they are hopefully able to match there emotional energy with words then the release can sometime just be in a simple phrase of owning our emotions. So how do you make space for emotions in your children? Get curious and see if they have invitations to move and exist in your presence.
And if you’re interested in finding out more about my work with parents and compassionate Inquiry then please get in touch at mail@joeatkinson.co.uk