For the past week or so there has been a free screening of ‘The Wisdom of Trauma’. This documentary follows Gabor Maté around, giving us a glimpse into his life, how he works and how he see trauma in society today. It looks at how we might view and work with different parts of society through the lens of a trauma-informed approach. If you didn’t get a chance to see it, then don’t worry, it will be made available on other platforms shortly.
To watch the trailer of the documentary click here:
Along with the documentary there have been a whole host of talks and discussions on trauma, racism, child development, society and more. As far as I am aware the documentary has gone down pretty well and I have received an influx of people contacting me asking to hear more about what Compassionate Inquiry is and figuring out if it might be useful for them.
It’s an opportunity to look at society and our roles within society through a new lens. Through a trauma informed lens. In terms of parenting what might that mean? I want to take a closer look on the impact this might have to our parental role within society.
For many years now we have generally followed a ‘behaviourist’ approach to parenting. John Watson, one fo the founders of behaviourism said once: “Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and I’ll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist I might select—doctor, lawyer, artist, merchant-chief and, yes, even beggar-man and thief, regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations, and race of his ancestors. (1930)”
The idea here is that we can sculpt, mould, add direction to the form that we want to see within our children. Behaviours and forms that we think might be useful for them when they are grown up perhaps. And for many years, for better or for worse, we have put our energy here. And in a lot of cases we do this with all the love that we have because we do want the best for our children don’t we.
BUT..
Instead of the constant pushing and pulling we do towards the way our children behave. Instead of our focus being on looking for diagnoses and the disorders that our children are showing up with in our families, in our schools and in our society. Because although a diagnosis can bring a lot of relief, all it does is explain the set of symptoms that accompany the diagnosis, it doesn’t give any meaningful context to its development.
What If we looked at the children in our society in a different light. Instead of fixing these behaviours or treating these disorders we come along side these children whilst in touch with our own sense of curiosity and compassion. What if many of the ‘dis orders’ that we see are actually reflections and manifestations of a society that in many ways holds the way our children are feeling with contempt. What if the disorders of these children are actually trying to help them survive in our care and by taking the simplistic view of trying to treat them or change them we are:
Reinforcing the idea that these problems are within our children and not within society itself.
Failing to acknowledge the reasons why these disorders developed in the first place.
You see it is very important the way we see our children, because the way you see something will determine the way you are towards that thing.
Here is an example of how important it is to see someone:
If you see an aggressive child as being a mean child then you'll address the fact that he is mean and that will have an impact on what you do.
If you see an aggressive child as being frustrated then you'll address the fact that he is frustrated and that will have an impact on what you do.
If you see an aggressive child as being wounded then you'll address the fact that he is wounded and that will have an impact on what you do.
All three of these statements could be true in the eyes of a parent, but which one is going to be the most useful to come along side the child?
So if we see children in our society as a set of behaviours, if we see them as their disorders then we will address the fact that they have these behaviours and disorders and increase the likelihood that they will identify with them. And by doing this we risk missing out on being with our children on a whole other level.
One of the quotes from the documentary was:
“Trauma is not what happens to you.
Trauma is what happens inside you,
as a result of what happens to you.”
— Gabor Maté
Our children will go through traumatic experiences in their lifetime and as parents, as educators and for anyone who is in care of children or spends time with them the question that comes up for me is:
How can we make space and be with what is happening within our children?
Can we do this with Compassion?
Can we do this with curiosity?
Can we do this with playfulness?
Can we do this with patience?