I talk a lot about how you show up as a parent. We spend a lot of the time both as individuals and as a society thinking, talking about, putting our energy and focus on the things that we are doing. If we notice a problem we think about the strategies needed to deal with the problem. As you go through teacher training you learn all about the ever-changing strategies for learning. Keep up to date and follow the strategies and you are a good teacher. It’s similar in other professions.
But, there always seems to be something missing. One strategy just seems to turn into another strategy and it’s a kind of endless cycle of trying out new things.
One of my favourite quotes about education is:
“[Kids] don't remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are.”
Jim Henson
Think back to your school and the most memorable teachers you have. Do you remember much about the content of the lessons? What they were teaching? Or do you remember their personality, how they treated individuals, stories and anecdotes that reflect their personality or the energy of the classroom?
As parents, here in the UK, we are all entering a new lockdown for the foreseeable future. Most of the parents I talk to are asking me for various strategies. How do I cope with lockdown? How do I help with home-education? What things should I be doing? What things shouldn’t I be doing?
There are loads of strategies out there. But when answering these queries I am always reminded by this quote and that the take away messages that will stay with our children are ‘who we are’ as parents.
I had the privilege of being on a workshop run by Besty Polatin recently. Besty is an internationally recognised breathing and movement specialist. She works with a lot of performers and she said that one of the questions she gets asked the most is ‘What should I do?’ Should I do yoga for an hour a day, should I learn to meditate, should I do gym work etc etc. Her reply is always the same. It’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it that matters.
It’s the same for many aspects of parenting, our energy generally seems to be going into what we are doing.
So my invitation to you for this lockdown is to shift some of that focus, some of that energy away from the parenting strategies you might be using, adopting, practicing or concerned about as you start spending more time together.
Can you shift some of that energy onto how you are doing it?
What are your children going to remember about you during this lockdown? What messages will they get given? It will have nothing to do with your goals for them, your plans, what your teaching etc.
You are to ask yourself these questions honestly and with compassion. It is not about blame or judging yourself here, but just seeing how we really are showing up for our children.
Some good questions to ask yourself are:
Is it clear that you enjoy having them around? Do you enjoy their company? How often to you experience joy together every day?
Do you make space for them?
Is it obvious that you are patient with them?
Is the message always loud and clear that you love them?
Are you curious in what they have to say and the things they want to do no matter what it is? Is curiosity valued more than instruction?
Do you share a safe space together where they can experience sadness, frustration, anger etc. without consequences?
Do you have time together where there are no objectives to what you are doing? Do you have time for non-directed play?
Do you value originality in your child? Do you value uniqueness and differences in your child?
Do you take responsibility for restoring the relationship when there is a break down?
I invite you to take note of a few of these questions. If you can spend time considering the answers when thinking about your relationship to your children then it will be far more useful. If you can commit to showing up with a big fat YES to these questions everyday over lockdown then you won’t need many strategies for all the other goals and plans that you have. They will start happening naturally and spontaneously.
If you want to find out more about Compassionate Inquiry (CI) and my therapeutic work with parents then check out my website and feel free to contact me mail@joeatkinson.co.uk. CI is a psychotherapeutic approach that has been developed by Dr Gabor Maté that reveals what lies beneath the appearance that we present to the world.