What does Parenting mean to you?
Eckhart Tolle talks about the all-important question:
Are you able to fulfil the function of being a parent and fulfil it well, without identifying with that function, that is, without It becoming a role?
Confused? I was. This was and still is hard to get my head around at first, but what does he mean by this. The absolutely necessary function of being a parent comes down to a few broad things: avoiding danger, creating safety and generally securing the needs of your children so that they can develop, grow and thrive as humans. These needs can be split up into more basic physiological needs like food, water, security, rest etc. and psychological needs like love, belonging, intimacy etc. Our function as a parent is to provide these needs and make sure they are available (hopefully in abundance) to our children.
So what is the difference between the function and the role. When parenting becomes a role, we identify with it. To identify just means, you make it yours and in turn it becomes entangled with our own sense of self and with that our own past and our own pain. Giving children what they need could easily turn excessive and into spoiling. Protecting them from danger can turn into overprotectiveness and not letting them experience and explore their own world. These are just two examples of the many creative ways we identify with the role of being a parent, becoming personal and it can start to take over many aspects of the relationship.
If this is happening then your own sense of self is caught up in the role of parenting and you may cling onto this role for as long as possible. It decreases the chance for authentic relationship between the two. It may look like genuine concern, but underneath what is really happening you’re trying to preserve this role-identity that you have for yourself. This is very common and I notice it happening in myself as a parent.
Get curious about it
Anytime you become angry with your child you can get curious about it. Behind anger, there is normally pain. You can bet yourself that you are serving your own needs as you identify with the parental role and not the function. If your child is about to cross a busy road and you shout ‘Stop’ then there might be anger there to highlight a sense of urgency so it might not be EVERY time. But just check in with yourself when it does happen. It is so important to get curious about your own reactions as you parent and what is going on for you and that you do this with love, compassion and without judgement.
In my free five day parenting workshop I have a number of self-reflective exercises which can guide you to those interactions and exploring your own role as a parent and how you have identified with it. It is the type of work that if you do, will liberate you from your own past and foster more authentic relationships with your children.
You can sign up to download it here: https://www.subscribepage.com/joeatkinson