Story
Hot Buttons
Mole was driving along a motorway with his friend, Badger. Mole was enjoying the drive and feeling good about the world until another car, driven by Rat, cut aggressively and dangerously in front of him.
Mole was furious. He put his foot on the accelerator and chased after Rat, flashing, hooting and gesticulating. Mole was shouting and cursing, and purple with rage. Rat simply laughed to himself, made a rude gesture with his fingers, and accelerated away.
Mole was quite upset for the next hour. His day was totally spoilt. He felt frustrated and inadequate, as if his whole sense of masculinity had been called into questions. He had been challenged and come off second-best.
Badger had noticed his friend’s behaviour but had chosen to say nothing for the time being. He waited until the time was right.
Finally Mole turned and said to him, “That sort of driver makes me so angry.”
Badger replied, “Forgive me, but I’m really curious. How exactly do you allow yourself to get angry because of what another driver does?”
Mole was speechless. He had expected support. “What do you mean?'“
Badger said, “What that other person did was simply information about him. How you responded is information about you. How exactly did you make yourself angry as a response to the other drivers behaviour?”
And so it was that mole began to realise that he could choose his response to different situations. He could get angry if he wishes, or stay calm and dismiss someone else’s behaviour as information about them. It didn’t have to affect him.
After that Mole began to enjoy his driving a lot more. Badger felt a lot safer in Mole’s car, and Mole’s wife noticed her husband was much less stressed and aggressive.
One day Mole told Badger that he’d found a great quote in a book he was reading.
“No one presses your hot buttons. You just leave your control panel open”
“That’s what I used to do, “Mole said, stressing the used to.
(The Magic of Metaphor by Nick Owen)
Mothers and fathers have legal rights and responsibilities as a parent - known as ‘parental responsibility’. A marvellous (irritating for some) thing about the English language is how it can be so flexible. So let’s look at this word from a different angle. If we all develop our response-ability to whatever life is throwing at us, in this case children, then we would have more peace in our lives and better relationships. I use compassionate Inquiry to help parents flex their own reponse-ability muscles; to find out more about what I do, have a look through the website and get in touch if you’re keen to find out more.
Response - ability - There are many things beyond our control in life. Our children are a good example of this. Of course we have boundaries that keep them safe, but within those boundaries there are going to be a lot of ‘out of control’ moments. How do you respond to them? Many people react to these moments through their own unconscious beliefs build up from the past. Ask yourself how often are you really response-able in your parenting? Are you responding to the moment or reacting from the past?
Your Hot Buttons - If you’re recognising that you are more reactive then responsive then get curious about the patterns that are showing up in your life. What does that say about you? What are the beliefs that you’re holding on to? What are your own Hot Buttons? Do this with no judgement, just curiosity.
Separate the information about the other with the information about you - Once you start to separate clearly the information about others with the information about ourselves we might start to get a better understanding of our own ingrained beliefs and we can now start to challenge them. How often to you notice it? Is it true? Was Mole’s masculinity genuinely being called into question by Rat? Does that happen often to him? Who would he be without that belief? Who would you be without yours?
‘They made me’ - Once you’re curious and aware of your own response-ability more often, you can also start to notice the language. ‘That sort of driver makes me so angry’. Pay attention to the words that you use whilst thinking or expressing something. Is it really possible to make anyone feel anything? What’s the language reinforcing here for you? Get curious about your own language.
Blame - Blame is a choice that doesn’t give you any benefits. It’s normally the first thing we turn too after something painful has happened. You can either blame the event, someone else or yourself. However accurate the blame story might be, keep a look out for it. Some people think that blaming yourself is responsible, but just get curious about how that ties in with your own core beliefs like ‘I’m not good enough’. Start by noticing whenever you’re blaming one of these three things and see what happens.