One thing that attachment relationships really require is time and time is something that we all have less and less compared to our ancestors. It seems we are all up against it in trying to ensure our attachment relationships unfold to there potential. But that might be for another day. For now I invite you to just consider the potential. Oh, and also it is not something we can teach, it is something that children will spontaneously fall into if the conditions are conducive and all emotions can be felt.
Our capacity for relationship changes over time as children develop. Dr Gordan Neufeld talks about the 6 stages of attachment that we are capable of cultivating. At first our babies are only capable of attaching through the senses and we have to be in sight, in sound, in touch and in smell of the other. Then we begin to attach through sameness, to be like the other, to wear the same shoes, to eat the same food, to copy what you are doing. If that happens then we have the potential to attach through belonging and loyalty e.g. my daddy, my dog, my toy because to be close is also to be part of. The 4th stage would be to attach through significance or importance, we can be special to each other. My daughter has just turned 4 and she will say how important the drawing she has done is, that the letter she made is special. After that might they might attach through love, in other words, a child might give their heart to you and a level of emotional intimacy is starting to unfold. They might be drawing hearts all over the pictures that they give to you. And lastly our attachment capacity might reach a point where we can attach through being known i.e. wanting to be seen from the inside out. A relationship where all the days events, the struggles, the hard things in life can be shared in a safe space. A place where the child has been given an invitation to exist in your presence. If we can get to this place in our relationships then we can keep our children safe and it is in this connection that they will be able to realise there own potential.
Below is a story of how this might unfold which I wrote a while ago. If you want to find out more about compassionate Inquiry and my work then please get In touch mail@joeatkinson.co.uk
I am your dad. I am your D-A-D, Dad.