Last week I wrote a bit about what it means to become the answer to our children’s needs. Over the years our role as a parent has been more and more diluted and we have become reliant on organisations such as nursery, schools, experts, therapists etc. to be the answer to their needs, but that it is really important that we make it clear that it is us as parents that are our child’s best bet in life. That is not to say we don’t engage with these organisations or services, but our confidence is in us.
Today we will look at becoming the answer through the lens of attachment. You’ll notice that this is placed at the bottom of the pyramid and it gives context and space to all our other fundamental needs. Dr Gordan Neufeld describes what he would call the ‘essence of attachment’ as ‘that drive or relationship characterised by the pursuit and preservation of proximity.’
We can see this drive in so many places: The moon is attached to the earth, particles get stuck to each other to form matter, in our cells and many many more. This is not a drive that is exclusive to humans and many animals, but it’s fundamental to all life on so many levels. It’s at work in the biology, physics and chemistry of life.
This drive for contact and closeness is our preeminent need surpassing all others. The reason for this, is that if the goal of the attachment drive is to connect and keep close to someone that will look after us then all other our other needs can be taken care of; Food, warmth, security, water, rest, shelter, safety, belongingness can all be achieved within the womb of attachment.
Some of the things that Attachment gives us:
A Homebase
It’s a womb for growth
Evokes instincts to care
It’s a mirror that leads you to discover yourself
A sense of belonging
Creates a context for our care to sink in
is a model to emulate
provides togetherness
We become the answer to our children when we take care of our child’s attachment to us and the attachment will take care of our child.
So what does it mean to take care of our child’s attachment to us. If you go to many parenting books they suggest using this very drive, the thing that is most important to our children against them in order to push and pull at the behaviours they are showing. We are an outcome focussed society mainly concerned with the superficiality of the behaviours that we see e.g is our child socialised? Are they good children? Do they sleep well? Are they getting good grades? etc.
Along with this focus on outcomes we have the parenting techniques to mould the behaviours that fit well with these outcomes. The idea here is that we can teach our child these behaviours. If we give them some knowledge about how to act then they know what to do. If they don’t behave in the way we think works then we can guide them with some behavioural techniques e.g. time out, cry it out method, consequences, rewarding positive behaviour etc.
The message that children get with these techniques is that if there behaviour is not in line with the adults that she is attached too then the relationship will be taken away from them. Even with rewards, the child will get the message that my behaviour is what is important here. A child will quickly learn to suppress their own authentic feelings/emotions to save the attachment because this attachment is the preeminent drive (There is a beautiful video by Dr Gabor Maté on YouTube expanding on this clash here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3bynimi8HQ).
Sometimes on a superficial level this might look like it’s working as you have a child who by societies standards is behaving normal and other times these emotions might get stuck and I’ll be talking more about feelings in the next blog post.
Our focus can so easily get caught up here, but what would it look like if we made sure this focus was on our child’s attachment to us instead.
So how do we take care of our child’s attachment to us:
Relationship is non-negotiable - It’s always the bottom line no matter what and our children know that we are in relationship with them.
We take responsibility for restoring relationship whenever there has been a break - If there is a rupture in our relationship then it is our responsibility to restore this as soon as we can and that the child knows the work to restore the relationship is not for him/her e.g. They don’t have to do something or behave a certain way to get back into our good books.
Our children are invited to exist as they are in our presence - We give children the message that they can be with us and be in relationship with us whatever is going on for them and in whatever way they are experiencing their world right now be it with anger, with frustration, with joy, with sadness
Relationship is the goal over everything else - Having a caring other to ‘hold on to’ is the goal above everything else.
We have faith in their process and our natural ability to attune to each other - We know that with time and energy we have a natural ability to attune to and provide the calm interactions that our children need to hold their own experiences of the world. And if we have lost faith in this, then it is our responsibility to find it within us.
We make space for our own self-care and natural process to help restore balance - e.g. therapy, nature, connecting, exercise, mediation etc.
If you can do all this then you will be going some way to taking care of your child’s attachment to you and if we can give root to this foundation of deep attachment then it provides the platform, the base of the pyramid in which nature will take care of the growth.
Next week I’ll be talking more about feelings and how we become the answer to our children’s needs in their feelings.
If you’re interested to hear more about my work with parents as a coach or Compassionate Inquiry then come and have a look at my website www.joeatkinson.co.uk or send me an email at mail@joeatkinson.co.uk