If you search for ‘parenting books’ on amazon you will find over 100,000 results for a wide variety of books and resources to help us navigate this role we have taken on in our lives.
I first became a parent in 2017 and having worked with children for most my career as a teacher and therapist you would assume that it would be good preparation. I’ve read a few more of the 100,000 books then most so I’ve got a lot of information on child development, parenting techniques, skills etc that are meant to help us. But there have been countless times already in my role as a father where the knowledge from these books has not helped and if there is a dependence on these to be the parent we want to be then this is not ideal for our own relationship with our children.
It is almost as if parenting like many other things has become more of a skill that we need to learn in order to be successful. If something isn’t working, then maybe there is a parenting technique out there that is going to help solve our problems. The answer is outside of us and we are always looking for information and help.
This is not what parenting is meant to rely on. Our society and the roles we adopt within it are set more to ‘doing’ over ‘being’. Over the course of the next 5 blog posts I am going to invite you to drop the ‘doing’ a bit and engage more with the ‘being’. It is based on the work of Dr. Gordan Neufeld, a wonderful developmental psychologist based in Canada.
Just to be clear, there is nothing wrong with that and curiosity is a wonderful thing and there is great value in some of these books, BUT it’s much better to BE the answer to our children rather than to know the answer.
If we are the answer to our childrens needs then they have that answer on tap with them day and night within the relationship. There is a sense of safety, of calm, of certainty that if our children get this message then they can get on with their own development. Because you see, the unfolding of potential within a child is not something that we need to teach them to do, or show them, or lead them towards. It’s an automatic process within us that will happen spontaneously and naturally if the environment allows. If something is stopping it, or there is a kind of ‘stuckness’ then it is to do with the environment, it’s not to do with a technique or some knowledge. This is what nature has in store for us and the pushing and pulling of the the external behaviours that engulf much of the parenting literature we see today is similar to pushing and pulling at a plants stem, leaves or fruit in order to help it grow. It’s not useful, can have the opposite effect and there is a lot of frustration to be found for both parents and children.
So what exactly does it mean to BE the answer to your children?
Well first of all, we need to find out and get curious about what it is that our children need. Dr. Gordan Neufeld shares 4 dynamics that children need to experience for their potential to unfold: attachment, feelings, rest and play.
Arranged in a pyramid formation you will notice that attachment is at the bottom and the most important. There is tremendous power in each of these dynamics and the important processes in life are inside-out and not outside-in.
If our children become attached to those responsible for them then it increases the probability that they will be taking care of and togetherness. We often think of survival as being at the bottom of these pyramids, but actually what we have learnt from recent years is that it is attachment, because if this is achieved then our survival needs will be met and with togetherness those chances are also increased.
So I invite you to become the answer to your child’s attachment needs. So we take the responsibility of taking care of the child’s attachment to us and in turn the attachment will take care of our child. Quite simply this means that the relationship trumps everything.
In my next blog post we will focus in on this attachment dynamic.
If you’re interested to hear more about my work with parents as a coach or Compassionate Inquiry then come and have a look at my website www.joeatkinson.co.uk or send me an email at mail@joeatkinson.co.uk