The Behavioural Approach
The Behavioural Approach dominates many aspects of our society and culture. The idea is that all behaviour is learnt from the environment and therefore as caregivers, teachers, parents we have the responsibility to shape that behaviour. More simply, the answer to growing up and the unfolding of our own potential is in our behaviour. If we can get that right, then we can grow up. Generally speaking this is done in many different very rational ways that make sense to all of us. All of us would have experienced this ourselves and all of us would have attempted to shape someones behaviour.
Skinner and Watson are the originators of this approach beginning in the early 1900s. Skinner famously once said:
Give me a child and I’ll shape him into anything - B.F. Skinner
It is an approach that has infiltrated many parts of our society. Parental advise is largely based on the behaviourist approach. Schools use traffic light systems, stickers, house points, merits and distinctions to shape the behaviour they want to see. Self-help books and memes are filled with different ways, tricks, hacks to get straight to the desired behaviour. In fact, we have probably never had so many ideas of how we can get to the desired behaviour. We all know the desired behaviours that will keep us healthy. We put our energy and focus into the desired behaviour to make us happy. We live and breathe the behavioural approach.
At the same time we are in a mental health crisis, suicide rates, especially amongst our youngest seem to be constantly rising, addiction rates are high and I could go on. We consume the behavioural approach as the answer to these problems. If I could just get them to show the desired behaviour a bit more, with a bit more consistency maybe a tweak here or a tweak there then we can he.
What the Behavioural Approach doesn’t see
It’s easy to focus on what we can see, but quite often it is what we don’t see that is just as important and sometimes more. So what can’t we see with the behavioural approach. We intentionally don’t see emotion. Emotion is seen as a nusiance variable that can be answered by our behaviour or cognition. We don’t see attachment. Attachment is a tool to get the desired behaviour. I’m a parent and if I don’t see the behaviour that I think will help you to grow up then I’ll withheld something within our relationship like love or connection. You will lose that for a few moments and that will drive you to behave.
Attachment
B.F. Skinner believed that the quest for value was our preeminent human drive and our primary source of value is in our attachments. He believed that if we kept children hungry for value then it becomes easier to shape the behaviour. If you analyse some common punishments over the years you can see this play out. ‘Go to your room’ gives the message that I’m witholding the invitation for you to be around me because of the behaviour that I could see. The message the child gets, is that ‘I am my behaviour’. Separation from attachments has been used a lot as a tool to help the behavioural approach. It’s our greatest fear. The time outs, the cry-it-out method anything that withdraws this invitation to exist with your attachments will keep children hungry for connection.
And so now as we get well into the 2020s we see our children consumed with the Facebooks, Instagrams, Tick Tocs of the world. They have all come along offering the answer to this starvation of connection. ‘Facebook helps you connect’ is one of the slogans.
So by putting our energy and focus directly in behaviour we have sacrificed connection to something far deeper and we live in a world where we are all more and more hungry for this connection.
We assume that behaviour is rational and that the answer is rational as well. But in reality our emotional, mammalian brain developed long before our rational one. Here our emotions are hard at work serving the preeminent need of attachment that will ensure our survival. When we by-pass this to go straight to behaviour we are missing something. When we use the behavioural approach, not only are we missing this, we are using all the attachment instincts naturally within us against our children. But yes, the answer to losing our children to internet websites such as Facebook and Instagram is in their behaviour? or is it?
To find out more about my work with families and children then get in touch with me at mail@joeatkinson.co.uk. To find out more about Compassionate Inquiry, a psychotherapeutic approach to working with others pieced together by the wonderful Dr Gabor Maté and to find out more about my new parent support group and podcast ‘The Caring Instinct’ look here - https://www.joeatkinson.co.uk/the-caring-instinct-support-group