I’ve been thinking about futility in the context of child deveoplment for a while now. It cropped up on a course I’m doing at the moment and has kind of stayed with me ever since. It has never really been something that occurred to me before, but with a 3 year old daughter there are very often times throughout the day when things just don’t work out for her or for you as the parent. The idea that there could be value to that seems strange to me at first, but the more curious I get the more it makes sense.
She’s fiercely independent and wants to do literally EVERYTHING: put her shoes on, pour out the milk, put her brother in the oven, carry her cereal upstairs etc.
Sometimes she asks for help to do these things and enjoys doing them together or even getting you to do them for her. Sometimes she wants to do it ‘by her own’ and with that experience comes the frustrations of futility. I mean she is three years old, so she’s pretty useless at a lot of things and as I’m sure you can imagine this comes up quite a bit.
Futility is defined as: ‘the fact of having no effect or achieving nothing’
So how comfortable am I when this happens she encounters futility herself. Well, what I notice is that there will be a part of me that wants to rush over to her and save her from it. Either by doing it for her or by helping her do it and sometimes that’s great and she likes the fact that I’ve helped her and that we’re doing something together. I’m not going to stop doing that all the time.
BUT, how often would I be with her whilst she experiences being useless and how important is it to make friends with this sense of futility, to be with it and to surrender to it sometimes.
It feels odd at first but the more I think about it the more important it seems.
Take for example:
What about the child that doesn’t accept ‘no’ for an answer and becomes obsessed with getting their own way?
What about the child that finds it hard to learn from consequences or hates failing?
What about the child that can’t let go of an agenda or demands?
What about the child that is unable to grieve over a loss?
What about the child that relentlessly seeks proximity and to get close to you all the time?
What about the child that when they become alarmed gets stuck in a chronic stated of agitation and restlessness?
What about the child who lacks the capacity for resilience and recovery?
(adapted from Neufeld’s ‘Heart Matters’ online course)
You wonder if in these cases the children are unable to be with their own futility when they encounter it and if these are the consequences that manifest in response to that. Are they experiencing it or have they lost it? Why are they unable to experience it?
My first question line of inquiry is to us as parents. Checking in with that part that wants to save them from being useless. Maybe it doesn’t want to see the frustration that might come? Maybe it doesn't want to see the sadness that comes after the frustration is experianced? Get curious about your own reactions to this and see what it stirs up in you.
I’ll be mindfully giving futility more space over the chirsitams period and seeing what these feelings might lead to. I’ve always liked the mantra ‘the more space you give it, the less space it needs’
So in that light, have a ‘useless’ Christmas! and see what it’s like :)
And if you have any questions or want to know more about Compassionate Inquiry and my work with families then please do get in contact - mail@joeatkinson.co.uk