Story
Walking the Talk
One time, a woman came to Gandhi and asked him to tell her overweight son to stop eating sugar.
“Madam,” he replied," “come back in three weeks’ time.”
Surprised at this request, she nevertheless returned with her son three weeks later.
Gandhi looked fat the boy and said. “Stop eating sugar.”
When the boy had left the room, the mother turned to Gandhi and asked why he hadn’t said this three weeks ago.
Gandhi replied, “Madam, three weeks ago I myself was eating sugar.”
(Nick Owen - The Magic of Metaphor)
The word emotion is derived from the Latin term ‘emovere’ which means to stir, to agitate, to move. They are there to be both expressed, be felt and to move us in ways that serves us. Here are my 5 things to ponder about emotional health and maturity. Just like Gandhi in the story a great place to start is to get curious about how emotions move, are expressed and felt in you before you get curious and notice them in children. These pondering are based on the work of Dr Gordan Neufeld.
1.) Emotions are not positive or negative - All emotions have a function to move through us in order to serve us, creating a kind of action potential that seeks to be expressed. In this sense they are not positive nor negative but are just part and parcel of us functioning as people. The more we refer to them as positive or negative, good or bad the more children will seek to feel some emotions and depress others making it harder for them to do their jobs. Get curious about your own judgements towards emotions.
2.) Emotions need to be expressed - When emotion is expressed it gives room for the function of the emotion to be carried out. This could be to be cautious when facing something that alarms us, to shy away from contact with those not attached to us, to resist when being controlled, to seek togetherness when hungry for contact etc. The expression of these emotions means that they are in movement and its how we stay balanced, a bit like you have to keep moving in order to balance on a bike.
3.) Emotions should be felt - Notice any of sensations that come with the emotions. This is the feeling part of emotions and an important part for children to experience as these emotions move through us. The more you are able to feel and get a sense of these emotion the less like you are to become stuck with them.
4.) Self-control requires inner development - When there is space to share these feelings responsibility then this allows and facilities self-care and reduces the chances of any wounding. This might not. There are 5 steps to responsible sharing of emotions: expressing, naming, feeling, mixing and reflecting.
5.) Emotions are not a choice - We don’t choose our emotions, they happen to us and can be spontaneous. They can either be noticed, felt and given space or depressed and pushed away. They can seem irrational at times, but there will be reasons and in this sense we have no control over our emotions. So if you think you have control of them, or it is possible to gain control over them, try surrendering to them instead and see what happens.