One of the questions that I get asked the most working with families and parents is ‘What should I do?’. Most parents want to know what they can do to help. Can they develop a new skill? Can the find a different strategy? And quite rightly to. Their intentions are spot on. They are looking for ways to help and to support their children. There is a problem with this question though. It’s not always the best lens to use.
Finding things to do is ok, but it normally either works on a fairly superficial level (e.g. behavioural change) or just doesn’t work at all and then the search begins again of what can I do now. I’m guilty of this too as a parent. It’s as if this has been hammered into us in society. There is something out there for your problems and if you consume it and learn from it you’ll be able to transfer it onto your own problems.
The issue with this is that whenever someone does ask this question, it’s clear that they are not seeing the child. Because if they could see the child there would be no need for this question. If you could see the child then the ‘what to do’ would come very naturally and intuitively. If you find yourself asking this question and so many of us do with the best of intentions in the world, I think a better place to start is with shifting some energy into how you are seeing your child. And with this shift bringing curiosity, compassion and non-judgement. Forget what you can do, think how can you be with your child and what are you seeing in him/her.
If you can see them and make sense of them in this light then you’ll know what to do.
Here is an example of how important it is to see someone:
If you see an aggressive child as being a mean child then you'll address the fact that he is mean and that will have an impact on what you do.
If you see an aggressive child as being frustrated then you'll address the fact that he is frustrated and that will have an impact on what you do.
If you see an aggressive child as being wounded then you'll address the fact that he is wounded and that will have an impact on what you do.
So one thing we can all start to practice more is seeing our children. Ironically you might ask ‘how do you do that?’ It’s time, it’s playing, it’s doing things together, it’s being with each other and it’s done in the context of your relationship.
‘we are human beings, not human doings’
Dalia Lama
I’m going to be writing a whole series of blog posts all about how we make sense of children and how we see them. I’ll be sending these blogs out in newsletters as well so if you want to follow them over the coming weeks subscribe at the bottom of the page to my newsletter.