What is Counterwill?
Counterwill is an instinctive, automatic resistance to any sense of coercion or force coming from someone who we are not actively engaged in relationship with. It was originally coined by Otto Rank, but has been expanded and used more widely by the developmental psychologist Gordan Neufeld.
It’s alive in all of us. One way to get a sense of your own counterwill is to bring your hands into the prayer position and push with one hand against the other. Try it and notice what happens. The other hand will instinctively push back, that push back is counterwill. And it’s work for us is that we are not going to be pushed around by people that don’t care for us. The problem that can arise from it is that it only knows if someone cares for us if the attachment connections are alive and present in the moment, so it can show up in relationships with parents. It’s a bit like the famous ‘don’t push the red button’ and all you can think about is pushing the red button.
How does it show up?
Counterwill shows up famously in toddlers as they are just starting to get that sense that they can do some things on their own. The example in the title is something that my 3 year old daughter said to me once. I knew she was hungry and she was, but the idea just had to come from her. It shows up famously in teenagers as they start to get that sense again that more independence is opening up for them in the world. Here counterwill allows us to start to take some control in decision making and what we do with our lives.
Counterwill can be misunderstood in children as being naughty or being defiant. And when we see it as being naughty or defiant then we see it more as a choice that the child is making and we are more likely to look at punishments or find our own frustration for what is happening which will enter the relationship.
How to come inbetween it?
But actually, if you see counterwill as instinctual and automatic then the focus can become how can you come in-between counterwill. How can you come alongside it, compensate for it and keep your relationship alive. In many ways we have lost our manners with our children and this can just up the counterwill instinct. In our fast paced culture there can be little time for relationship and the day can start with barking orders at our children to get ready to school, to do this and do that, but this is only going to ramp up that counterwill instinct. Mornings can turn into battles very easily and we can take counterwill personally.
My invitation to you is to start by noticing when counterwill shows up in some of your relationships. Notice when it shows up in you, notice when it shows up in your children and get a sense of how alive it is in your relationships. It will always have it’s place as it has work to do, but it’s not intelligent enough or subjective enough to do whats best for our children when working alone and it can easily start to take over adding strain to our relationships that matter most to us.
Once you notice, play around with it a bit. Practice connection rituals that you might have with your children before you ask them to do something and notice if the counterwill instinct is still there. Just as it is natural for couterwill to kick in, it is also natural for our children to want to be good for us and to want to help. Notice what happens when you connect before you ask your child to do something.
If you notice counterwill showing up a lot in your relationships with your children then find out more about my work with families/parents and compassionate inquiry that helps you to bring you closer to your children and parent more naturally again. Send me an email on mail@joeatkinson.co.uk or visit my website at www.joeatkinson.co.uk