We hear the word compassion used a lot these days. It comes from the latin word ‘compasses’: To suffer with. So if you experience compassion for someone else then the essence is that you are suffering with them, you’re along side them or maybe even co-suffering. The value is that as you get alongside someone you sense this pain as if it is your own, which gives it the relational context in which to be held and then let go. Compassion can be a very powerful quality to nurture both for others and for ourselves.
How does that play out in our role as parents? I’m going to invite you to notice how much compassion shows up for you within this role.
As parents we can see compassion from two different perspectives:
1.) Compassion for children - It’s easier to be compassionate for our children, because we generally see them as separate, innocent and vulnrebale beings, but we can easily lose it too. The younger it is the easier it and you notice that as they grow up there are certain areas where we start to lose that compassion. It’s good to stay curious about where you might of lost it. For me, one easy distinction to make is noticing where I’m focussing in on. Is it spirit (energy) or form (behaviour). We talk about behaviours so much in children and there is huge pressure in our society for children to fit in, to socialise early, to be ‘good’ children. We often miss the spirit. It’s very hard for me to be compassionate when I only see behaviour. An example of this in education could be: my child is not engaging in his homework, he refuses to do it. If we just see the behaviour here we are likely to come to conclusions like - he doesn’t listen, he is defiant, he won’t learn anything, he’s lazy, he's stupid etc. If our focus is on the spirit here then we are more likely to think things like: what’s happened to his curiosity? Is he tired? Is he bored? Is he lacking energy? etc. Make a conscious choice to focus on spirit over form when dealing with your children and it is easier to let compassion come with you to.
2.) Compassion for ourselves - It’s much harder to be compassionate to ourselves. The definition of compassion covers suffering with someone else, but what does it mean to suffer with ourselves? It’s interesting that when we say ‘I am feeling sad’, who is feeling sad? Is it a particular part of you? Is it your inner child, a part of you fighting for justice, a part of you looking for adventure etc. As we consider these possibilities we start to also experience a degree of separation from the experience. If a part of me is feeling sad, is there also a part of me witnessing this sadness. It’s with this separation that we can really have compassion for ourselves. We are filled with beliefs and coping mechanisms which we have come to identify with as being us. To identify means: to make the same. So if we see ourselves as being a lazy parent we assume that it is part of our personality but in reality it really isn’t, we are holding onto this laziness for a reason. In order to explore this and get curious about it there needs to be a degree of seperation from it and so one of the best ways to bring in compassion to ourselves is to practice noticing judgments, beliefs, actions, emotions as they show up. Notice that self-talk that you have about these as if you were witnessing it in another person. This separation is going to allow you to get compassionate with yourself. If it’s too close to you, you identify with it too much, there isn’t going to be enough seperation to let compassion in.
As a working definition of compassion Dr Gabor Matè refers to five different levels of compassion. They are:
Ordinary Compassion - possibly the most common form, it’s when we notice suffering in ‘the other’ and you also feel bad about it. Most people are generally capable of doing this although I’m sure you all no some people that are not able too, possibly because they have shut this down as a coping mechanism.
Compassion of Understanding - This is where we add in curiosity. Not only can you have a sense of the pain, but there is also a level of curiosity about it. Typically, this is where most politicians compassion ends which we can see play out now over the free school meals fiasco. They highlight the point that they are helping, which they are, but what is missing is this curiosity about why families are in this position in the first place and a detachment from families basic needs.
Compassion of Truth - It’s not about distorting or getting away from the truth. The culture and society that we live in is simply not aligned to the development and well-being of our children. It contradicts much of what many child developmentalists and attachment experts advise. At no point in our history have our children ever had so little connection to attachment figures as they grow up as these responsibilities are passed to places like nurseries and the education system and to people that aren’t attached to our children. It’s painful for us to send our children off to nursery and we have to allow space for that pain. It’s almost as if we are all trying to be super-parents here working towards multiple goals, economic, career, family. Never before have we as parents had so much responsibility on our shoulders.
Compassion of Recognition - Here it’s about recognising that the issues we see other people suffering with, are also issues that we suffer with too. It’s not about a problem being over there and that is something that happens to other people. Here when you notice something that your child or someone else is experiencing there is also the realisation that on some level this problem is also within us. We are connected in this way.
Compassion of Possibility - It’s here that we don’t confuse ourselves with how we are presenting. We realise that this is a process and not necessarily who we are. For instance, if we notice that we are experiencing anger frequently as a parent we also recognise that we are not necessarily an angry person. There is a separation from this process and a realisation that behind this is our potential.
So how might you define compassionate parenting from this. Have a look at these five types of compassion and notice how develpoed are they within you. Get curious about them. Do they show up for your children much? Do they show up for you much? Is all the compassion flowing towards your child and there isn’t much to for you? Maybe it’s the other way round. Wherever this inquiry leads you, be mindful of noticing how it shows up in your daily life. Quite often the noticing is enough separation to allow that compassion to flow more.
If you would like to find out more about Compassionate Inquiry and my work with parents then please get in touch with me at mail@joeatkinson.co.uk