I’ve worked with families for a long time and it’s quite often that we will have a conversation about discipline techniques at home or in school and if we are having this conversation it’s normally because they just don’t seem be working. One of the first things we do is think about cranking up the technique in some way, making it more obvious or maybe causing more alarm for the child. With discipline we tend to assume that ‘if children know better then they will behave better’. The idea here is that we hand over some knowledge e.g. if you don’t do your homework the teacher will give you a detention and then if the child doesn’t do there homework then we assume that it must be on purpose because we have given them the knowledge and this calls for more disicpline. How many parents can relate to this happening?
Albert Einstein once said 'the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.'
How many of us get stuck with these behavioural discipline techniques that don't work and are then sold the idea of 'consistency' and just keep doing it or think about increasing something within our response until they get it. How many of us can relate to the frustration of doing this over and over again and not noticing any difference?
And so when children get stuck in their own resistance to our techniques we then get stuck in our own persistence of these approaches. One of the things I highlight to parents is to first of all recognise their own stuckness/rigidity in this process.
This is how many organisations, schools and parents have become stuck with some of our children with methods that just don't work. And very often you only see this 'stuckness' recognised in the children and not the us or the organisations that we are part of. We also tend to assume that what is working for children who don’t have problems can be taken and applied to children who do have problems. What if it just doesn’t work like this?
If something isn't working drop it, because normally something needs to end before something else can begin. It’s not your fault that these techniques aren’t working and it’s not your child’s fault either. It is a sign that something somewhere is stuck though and this type of discipline can just get your further and further away from the source. I invite you without judgement to take responsibility for your own part in this ‘stuckness’.
If you recognise this dynamic within your child then one of the ultimate goals is to preserve your relationship with them. SO can you take the energy and focus out of the disciplining techniques and put it into the realtionship. In any case nothing at all should come in-between your relationship, no matter what your behavioural goals are for them.
If a ship was in stormy waters then the best thing to do is sometimes to lose sight of the direction that you were planning on going in and put all your energy in maintaining your ships relationship with the water.
Put your energy into this relationship. Come along side them without an agenda and stay tuned for the next blog post where I’ll talk about more of what you can do.
If you want to find out more about my work with parents and families then feel free to contact me here mail@joeatkinson.co.uk
And if you want to find out more about compassionate Inquiry and therapy then check out my website www.joeatkinson.co.uk