Story
Coping Strategies
A woman was in the habit of taking her dog for a walk twice a day in her local park. She noticed a cocoon hanging from the branch of a brush. She wondered how long it would be before the butterfly would emerge.
One day she saw that a small opening had appeared, and she watched fascinated, for several hours as the butterfly struggled to emerge. After a while the butterfly’s progress seemed to slow down, and then movement stopped altogether. It seemed as if the butterfly had become worn out with the effort. So the woman decided to help.
She took a pair of nail scissors from her bag and snipped through the last part of the cocoon. The butterfly slid out easily, but she immediately saw that something was wrong. The butterfly was misshapen. The body was too large and the wings too small. The Woman thought this would soon correct itself, but it didn’t. All the butterfly could do was crawl around with its swollen body and shrivelled wings. It never flew, and soon died.
What this woman didn’t understand was the bigger picture. She assumed kindness, compassion and speed would improve the butterfly’s development. She didn’t understand that the restriction of the cocoon and the effort required for the butterfly to emerge through the tiny aperture are nature’s way of forcing fluid from the butterfly’s body to its wings. Only when the butterfly has gone through this process in its own time will it be ready for flight.
(Nick Owen - More Magic of Metaphor)
5 things to Ponder this week is taken from Dr. Gabor Maté book ‘Scattered Minds’. They are 5 things that might help to restore, build and strengthen the attachment relationship between adult and child. They are valuable for all adult-child relationships and help to promote the long term healthy development of children with ADD or ADHD. I have trained with Dr Gabor Maté this last year and am a certified Compassionate Inquiry Practitioner. If you are interested to find out more about my work then contact me or connect with me on social media.
The parent takes active responsibility for the relationship
Technique: Invite the child
Goal: Fostering the child’s self-acceptance
The parent actively and consistently finds time and space to be with the child. Can you have 15/30 minutes a day that you can be with your child attentively. During this time show them that they are wanted and enjoyed. Play games, be silly and hang out. When possible the parent does the inviting and child leads the activity.
The parent does not judge the child
Technique: Avoid pointing out faults, mistakes, shortcomings.
Goal: To increase security, reduce shame
As parents, it is sometimes hard to hear a critical tone in our voice. It’s important the child senses that they are accepted always. Many ADHD children deal with a lot of shame and these are often the most sensitive children. Make sure acceptance is coming across in your interactions. This might require some insight and curiosity into yourself as a parent, but it will be worth while.
The parent does not overpraise the child
Technique: Give praise in measure terms; reflect back the child’s feelings
Goal: Reinforcing the child’s confidence that achievements are not needed to earn he parent’s acceptance and respect.
This one seems odd at first, but too much praise is almost as harmful as too much criticism. The message beneath both is the same: the value is in what you do not who you are. Praise the effort and not the result. “you’ve worked really hard, well done. You worked through that even though it was hard.” etc.
One does not parent form anger
Technique: When the parent feels anger, he refrains from critiquing, giving orders, expressing opinions.
Goal: To avoid faulting the child for even a momentary break in the relationship with he parent
To avoid feeling angry as a parent is an impossible task and unrealistic. If you mix anger with the impulsiveness and behaviour of a child with ADHD then you have quite a cocktail. Disqaulify yourself from parenting until you have cooled down and are calm again. If you have someone who can take over then ask them to do whilst you do, but don’t parent from this position. If not, put your energy and focus into calming yourself down first before you do any more parenting and take ownership of your own anger.
The parent takes responsibility for restoring the relationship
Technique: Do not wait for the child to reestablish contact after a fight
Goal: Allowing the child to feel that the attachment relationship is greater than whatever argument or disagreement may come between him and the parent.
No one is perfect and we all lose it sometimes. If there is a temporary break in the relationship for whatever reason, do not make the child work at reestablishing the relationship e.g. forcing a child to apologise before granting ‘forgiveness’. In this example both the remorse and the forgiveness will not be genuine. You don’t need to promise that it won’t happen again because it probably will, just prioritise restoring the relationship and a sense of security and self-acceptance will grow.
If you’ve found these interesting you an read more on ADHD in ‘Scattered Minds’ by Dr. Gabor Maté. If you want to explore how using Compassionate Inquiry you can help you in your role as a parent then contact me on mail@joeatkinson.co.uk